Autophobia
by honestlybroken
Summary: "Leon sighed as he flopped back down on the couch. When had they gotten so dependent on each other that they couldn't even sleep alone? One night was one too many, a week was damn near excruciating. And two? Two weeks was a death sentence. But it was his fault. It was all his fault." - Companion piece (sort of a prequel) to Philophobia, but fingers crossed it can be read on its own


**Disclaimer:** I do not own Kingdom Hearts

**A/N:** This has been running around in my head for days now. It wasn't leaving me and I had no inspiration for anything else so I wrote it. As I said in the summary this is a companion piece to Philophobia but I'm hoping it can be read as a stand-alone one-shot. If you've read Philophobia, this takes place before it.

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Autophobia - "The fear of being alone or of one's self; fear of isolation"

Cloud had been tossing and turning for several hours as sleep continued to elude him. The bed was too big, too empty, and too cold. It had been about two weeks since he threw a pillow at Leon telling him he had a choice between the lumpy couch or packing his bags and moving in with one of his sluts. Wisely, Leon chose the couch. But it had still been two weeks since Cloud had anything resembling a good night's sleep. With a resigned sigh, Cloud climbed out of bed and quietly made his way to the living room.

As he approached the living room, Cloud slowed his pace; he wasn't really sure what it was he had intended to do. Once there he leaned against the wall, his blue eyes trained on Leon. The brunette was sprawled out on his back with an arm flung over his face blocking out the fluorescent light streaming in from the lampposts outside.

Cloud brought a hand up, gently rapping his knuckles against the wall to gain Leon's attention. "Are you awake?"

"Mmhmm." Leon lowered his arm, tilting his head back to look at Cloud. The blond was standing just inside the room slouched against the wall. He looked tired, defeated. The light streaming in from outside allowed Leon to make out his furrowed brow as Cloud nibbled on his bottom lip. "Is everything okay?"

"Yeah. Everything is… fine." Cloud shifted so he was standing straighter. He looked towards Leon while purposefully avoiding eye contact. "I just-" Cloud sighed. What was it he wanted to say? "Did you want to come to bed? You know," he shrugged, "to sleep?"

Leon twisted on the couch so he was no longer looking at Cloud upside down. "I'd like that." A small smile spread across his lips as he watched the blond shift anxiously on his feet.

"Okay." Cloud lifted a hand to nervously scratch at the back of his neck. "I'll…. uh… I'll see you in there." He pushed himself off the wall, making his way back to the bedroom with more haste than he left it.

Leon sighed as he flopped back down on the couch. When had they gotten so dependent on each other that they couldn't even sleep alone? One night was one too many, a week was damn near excruciating. And two? Two weeks was a death sentence. But it was his fault. It was all his fault.

Their last argument had been one of the worst. There was a lot of yelling, begging for forgiveness, and Cloud using Leon for target practice; throwing whatever he could get his hands on. Eventually, Cloud kicked him to the couch telling him it was that or permanent occupation of someone else's bed.

By the time Leon arrived in the bedroom, Cloud was already settled under the covers. He was curled up as small as possible almost perched on the edge of the bed with his back facing the space Leon was to occupy.

"Just don't touch me. Okay?"

A sharp pain shot through Leon's chest. He didn't know what he had been expecting, but that wasn't it. Yes he screwed up. Again. But he apologized. Grovelled even. And it had only been mere moments since Cloud came down and invited _him_ to bed. But really, did he deserve Cloud's forgiveness?

Leon let out an affirmative grunt in response as he turned off the lamp Cloud left on for him and climbed into bed. He settled down on his back staring at the ceiling through the dark; the room only illuminated by a sliver of moonlight that found its way through the curtains.

His fingers itched to reach out and touch Cloud. He wanted nothing more than to pull the blond to his chest so they could fall asleep wrapped around each other. Instead, he settled for falling asleep listening to Cloud's rhythmic breathing.

But Cloud's breathing wasn't the shallow, even breath Leon had grown so used to. It was forced, out of sync as Cloud feigned sleep. Leon turned slightly so he could better watch Cloud. His back was rigid, muscles taut as he tried to move as little as possible. Leon sighed before pushing himself up, watching as Cloud stiffened even more.

"What are you doing?"

This wasn't working. "I'm going back to the couch. You aren't ready for this."

"No, it's not that. I was just thinking." Cloud turned over so he could meet Leon's gaze for the first time since their fight. "Why?"

Leon couldn't answer. He had no reason for what he did. At least not one worth telling. He watched as Cloud's questioning look transformed into one of pain.

"Is it me? Did I do something wrong?" Cloud's voice hitched as he tried to keep his tone neutral, not wanting to betray just how much it actually hurt. If he had been the reason for this, for Leon's indiscretions, he didn't know what he would do.

The guilt Leon had grown so used to hit him full force, clawing its way into every part of his being. The pain that flashed in Cloud's blue eyes only fuelling the agonizing clench on his heart.

"No. It's not you. It's me. I just-"

"Bit cliché don't you think?" Cloud interrupted Leon, a slight smirk tugging at his lips.

A soft chuckle escaped Leon's lips as he gave a short shake of his head. "A bit. But I'm serious Cloud. It's never been your fault. You're too good for me."

"No I'm not." Cloud lowered his gaze from Leon, taking an interest in the sheets his fingers were playing with.

"Yes you are. And you keep taking me back after everything I put you through."

Cloud sat up, hugging his legs to his chest. He propped his chin on his knees staring down the length of the bed. "I don't take you back because I'm _good_, Leon." He let out a sigh as he thought carefully about his next words. "I take you back because I'm afraid."

"Afraid? Of what?" Leon's fingers twitched as he once again squashed the urge to reach out and comfort Cloud.

"Don't know." Cloud shrugged. "Being alone, maybe? Being the reason you leave?"

"I'm sorry Cloud."

"You've said that." Cloud bit out, anger evident in his voice. "Every damn time." He shifted back down on his side, once more facing away from the brunette. "Goodnight Leon."

"I'm afraid too." Leon was still sitting, torn between staying for the night and moving back to the couch.

"I know." They lapsed back into an uncomfortable silence. Both unsure of where this was going.

"What can I do to make you believe me?" Leon pleaded, "I won't do it again."

Cloud turned over so he could meet Leon's grey eyes once more. "Promise me you won't. Then keep your promise."

"I promise."

Cloud nodded before rolling onto his back avoiding Leon's gaze. "If it does happen again, I'm not sure I could forgive you. I don't think I have it in me anymore." he confessed.

Leon knew this was his last warning. He had watched Cloud fray more and more with each incident. He knew it was only a matter of time before the blond would completely unravel. His next illicit affair could tug that one string that would bring everything crashing down. But he also knew he was too afraid to stop. Too afraid to let go and accept that Cloud was such an integral part of his life.

"I'm so sorry Cloud. I keep screwing up and- I-I don't deserve you." Leon broke down, choking out his most recent apology.

Cloud sat up staring at Leon in bewilderment. This whole time he had thought he was the only one breaking. Aside from his drunken confessions and clumsy apologies, Leon had stayed constant in his stoic nature. He had never fallen apart like this. At least not in front of Cloud.

Cloud shifted closer to the brunette, tilting his head as he tried to make eye contact. Leon bent his head down, bangs falling in a curtain blocking his eyes from Cloud's view. The brunette brought a hand up, wiping away his stray tears in frustration. Cloud silently watched Leon's actions, following the hand with his cerulean eyes. Moving even closer, he tentatively brought his arms up to wrap them around Leon pulling the brunette close.

Leon allowed himself to be pulled into Cloud's chest. He returned the blond's tender embrace burying his face in the junction between Cloud's neck and shoulder. Cloud's hands traced soothingly up and down Leon's spine as the brunette's fingers gripped tightly in the fabric covering Cloud's back.

"I'm sorry." Leon's apology came out muffled as he spoke to Cloud's neck.

"I know." Cloud burrowed his face into Leon's hair, relishing in the familiar musky scent.

Calming down, Leon relinquished his tight hold on Cloud's shirt. He pulled back so he could look the blond in the eyes shooting him a soft smile. "Thank-you."

Cloud returned the smile before gently tugging the brunette down. He settled back on his side but this time near the centre of the bed facing Leon. He snaked a hand out, entwining his fingers with Leon's. He'd missed this. Falling asleep with the brunette within arm's reach.

"Goodnight Leon."

"Night Cloud." Leon softly squeezed the fingers tangled in his own, watching Cloud's eyes flutter shut.

Leon watched as Cloud drifted to sleep. His face softening as he relaxed, all previous pain dissolving from his porcelain features. Cloud's breath became shallow as his chest rose and fell rhythmically in the way Leon had missed so much.

Why was he so afraid of letting Cloud in? The blond needed him just as much Leon needed Cloud. As he watched Cloud sleep, Leon resolved to never betray him again.


End file.
